I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
