I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Randomize
