I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Randomize
