It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
