I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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