I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
