Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Randomize
