so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
