I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
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