we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I could fuck to npr.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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