Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
