so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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