onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
