It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
