the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
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