i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
