I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
