is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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