I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
