I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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