I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
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