today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
