You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
