I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
