i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
