You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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