so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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