Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
