i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
