I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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