oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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