Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
