i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
