we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
