how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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