come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Randomize
