Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
