Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
