I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
