I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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