I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
