So drunk its hurt
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
