so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
