At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
