you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
