it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
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