12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Randomize
