then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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