My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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