Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
